I love, love, love Andy Stanley's podcasts! He speaks God's truth in love and in such a powerful, yet simple way. After listening to his "Staying in Love" series, I decided to put together my notes and post them on my blog.
Falling in love requires a pulse, but staying in love requires a plan. We have to learn to make love a verb. We must do love. Jesus said that we must love one another in a way that reflects the way that He loves us. Do not love each other in a way that looks like the way other people around us love one another. Follow the model of Jesus.
Look at Philippians 2:3 in the context of the romantic relationship. What does it look like to love someone, to make love a verb, to do love? "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit." That is, try to remove any element of competition. Don't try to prove you're smarter than him. Don't underscore the fact that she told the story wrong. Do your best to remove the competitive spirit or vain conceit. "In humility of mind, value others above yourself. Act as if that person is more important in this world than you are. Think about the most important person in a situation. At the wedding, the bride and groom are the most important people in the room. The MVP at the press conference is the most important person in the room. Paul says that as you enter into a relationship with someone, you must make every decision as if that other person is more valuable than you are. Paul is not saying that they are more valuable. He says to treat them as if they are more valuable. If you were in the presence of a famous person, you would defer to them. You would be in awe of them. You would respect them, not belittle them or criticize them. Show the same respect to your mate as you would your most valued possession, regardless of the way they treat you. Wouldn't you love to be treated that way? When you observe couples who are still in love after many years, you will see this behavior. Remember that there was a time when you really were in awe of that person in your life, when you valued them above yourself.
Learn to show interest in what interests them, even when it doesn't interest you. You could choose to be critical of it, belittle it, or be neutral about it. Or you could look for ways to be proactively interested in something that holds no interest to you, simply because it is interesting to the person you love. What is it in your relationship that is just not your thing? Show interest in it even if you don't want to. This is what relationship is about. A marriage is not a 50-50 contractual agreement. You must give more to it than that. Philippians 2:5-6 says, "Have the same attitude of mind Jesus had of Himself who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to His own advantage. He never played the "God card." He never pulled rank.
Don't demand your way, but submit your will to others, because Jesus had that attitude when He went to the cross. The New Testament teaches mutual submission. Men, focus on giving your life away to her. Let her focus on what God says to her about submission. Jesus never used his position to his own advantage. Verse 7 says, "Rather, He made himself nothing," emptying himself. That is how you must approach your relationship. Love is a verb. Marriages that have lasted for many years demonstrate this approach. They have learned how to empty themselves for the sake of the other person. "Taking the very nature of a servant.." Jesus had the right to be more, but He made a decision to empty himself of His position. Love is a verb. "..being made in human likeness and being found in appearance as a human, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross." He submitted, not because He had to, but because He chose to.
Here's Jesus' dilemma: He could maintain His place in authority in heaven, but He could never have a relationship with you. He had to walk away from that in order to have a relationship with you. He had to make our greatest interest His greatest interest. Our separation from God due to our sin is our big deal. For Jesus to have a relationship with us, He had to give up what He had and make our needs a priority over His rights. Our need for a savior was more important to Jesus than His desire to maintain His position of authority. He demonstrates the spirit of submission. If you want the kind of love relationship you desire, you can get what you deserve and sacrifice the relationship accordingly, or you can submit yourself to the person in the relationship and give up some of your wants. You have to say no to your wants and say yes to another. Is it worth it? Yes. Does it always work? No. Is it risky? Yes. Can you have it both ways? No. Are there any guarantees? No. You can spend the next ten years making a point, winning an argument, proving how smart you are, and sacrificing the relationship. Or you can decide that your goal is to serve this person. You can submit, give up some rights, say no to you and yes to them. That is the humility, the spirit of submission. Have the same attitude as Christ.
Lecturing and griping doesn't build a stronger relationship. It makes your spouse never want to be at home with you. Just because everything you have to say is right doesn't mean that you must say it. Are you going to treat them like the most important person in the world, or do you just have to be right all the time, to correct them, to lecture them? What is most important? If you have a relationship where you both treat each other as better than yourself, the relationship will flourish. Arguments will happen, but you need to talk about problems as they arise, remembering to treat that person as if they are the most important person in the world. God wants you to take your love cues from Jesus so that you can have an incredible relationship!
